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Something that I hear quite frequently from my friends, people online on social media (especially dating apps) and even members of my own family is 鈥渨ell I don鈥檛 know isn鈥檛 asking someone for consent kind of unsexy?鈥� And it gets kind of frustrating after a while. One, they鈥檙e all probably (hopefully) doing it anyways without even realizing it and two, speaking from personal experience, asking is much MUCH sexier than not asking at all. But if you鈥檙e still confused, I鈥檓 going to break down exactly why you should be asking for consent and how to do it鈥攊n the most bedroom friendly way possible.

Step 1-Why Ask

Navigating becoming a sexually active human can be super confusing, sometimes scary and often many people aren鈥檛 taught how to actually talk about sex. This can especially be compounded by different cultures or religions and how they view and talk (or don鈥檛 talk) about sex. There鈥檚 a lot going on and there is a lot to learn so I understand where this confusion around asking for  is coming from. You think, 鈥淚 already got them to my room鈥� or 鈥渢hey already took their pants off鈥� or or or. It seems like lately we鈥檝e gotten really big on non-verbal communication as a crutch for avoiding having to actually ask for consent. And as a result a lot of people think that relying on non-verbal cues in and outside the bedroom is a . In fact, a lot of the time when I ask students how they know they have their partner鈥檚 consent, I鈥檓 met with a blank face, a long pause and then 鈥渦mmm I guess I just know?鈥� Spoiler alert, you actually might not know. You don鈥檛 know that you one hundred percent, absolutely, positively have someone鈥檚 consent unless you actually ask. This goes for hugs, handshakes and yes, sexual activity.

The other reason you should be asking is because it鈥檒l make your sexual experience better-trust me. We all like to think that we鈥檙e just intuitively sex gods (or cuddle gods whatever floats your boat) but we鈥檙e not. The only way to truly know what your partner is or isn鈥檛 into is by asking- and there are so many fun and playful ways to ask. Whether you are in a committed relationship(s) or just hooking up with someone, if you care about your partner(s) and are interested in everyone having a good time, ask them what they want. Then be cool about and respect the answer. Which brings me to鈥�

Step 2- How to Ask

So assuming everyone is still with me on the importance of asking for consent, it鈥檚 time to talk about how to do it (without killing the mood or whatever). I also want to note that, joking and all sarcasm aside, ruining the mood or asking in an 鈥渦nsexy鈥� way is still highly preferable to not asking at all. We can talk about how to make consent sexier all day but in the end it鈥檚 important to remember that it鈥檚 not just sexy, . So even if you ignore all of this and just straight up ask your partner(s) in all your awkward glory if they want to 鈥渄o the sex鈥�, you鈥檙e still doing it right and are probably a 100 times sexier than people who don鈥檛 ask at all. But if you are interested in keeping those smooth R&B vibes going all night long try some of these:

• I think we鈥檙e both a little overdressed鈥an I help you get that shirt off?
• Do you like it when I touch you here? (Feel free to insert any body part you鈥檙e interested in touching into that sentence)
• I want to kiss you here, can I?
• I love it when you do x, y and z鈥� can you do x some more?
• I鈥檝e been thinking about doing this with you all night, can I keep going?

I kept it rated G for all the readers at home but feel free to make each phrase as specific and dirty as you鈥檇 like. In fact the more specific you are, the better. For even more ways to ask try ,  or . And remember you鈥檙e probably asking for consent in all kinds of ways without even realizing it! You鈥檙e already halfway there. Every time you ask your partner 鈥渄o you like that鈥�, 鈥渄oes that feel good鈥� etc. you鈥檙e inviting them to either say 鈥渉ell yeah鈥� or 鈥渁ctually not really, but let鈥檚 try this instead鈥�.

Step 3- Have Fun

You did it! You asked for consent and didn鈥檛 ruin the mood or you kind of ruined the mood for 0.5 seconds and it didn鈥檛 matter because you asked for consent and that鈥檚 more important than vibes anyways. So go out there and have safe, consensual fun, whatever that looks like with your partner(s). And remember that just because you asked about one thing, doesn鈥檛 mean you can just do anything else you want. Keep asking鈥� all night long.

About the author : Caitlin is a 4th year International Studies major completing her final co-op term with the SVSPO. In her position as an Education Program Assistant, she has enjoyed providing sexual violence education training on campus and is proud to be part of creating a culture of care at SFU. Caitlin is a passionate feminist, volunteer and enjoys travelling when not in school.